Are you one of those people who can’t say ‘no’ to anyone and always puts the needs of others before your own, to the detriment of your own health and well being? Why is it that some people seem to have no problem pleasing themselves and never put themselves out for others or even get asked to do so?
Don’t you just wish you could be assertive and stand up for yourself, speak your truth and do what is right for you and to be guilt free when you do it?
Well, the good news is that you can…it will, however, take some work on your part. You have to retrain your nearest and dearest to be more independent, to think of their own solutions to their own problems rather than automatically running to the ‘fixer’ – you.
The truth is, once you have started being that person who solves everyone else’s problems, everyone else will always default to you for every problem or issue that appears. They won’t even try to sort it themselves because that is not how they have done it in the past.
If you want things to change, you have to do things differently.
Now I know what I am talking about here – I was the ‘go to person’ and the ‘fixer’ in my family for many, many years. Every little problem that raised it’s head was offered to me to solve. I always solved it, I did it very well and I got a bit of a buzz from being that person.
These days, having had plenty of Life Coaching, I realize how unhealthy this can be for all parties concerned. The person with the problem is not being honored by allowing them to learn and grow by doing the work themselves. The person doing the ‘fixing’ isn’t honoring themselves or the person with the problem and may also be getting some kind of secondary gain from the situation.
(Secondary gain is when there is some kind of benefit from a disempowering behaviour.)
The healthiest way for everyone is for each person to deal with their own issues and problems. When this is not possible, it’s time to seek professional help. Seeking assistance from someone who specializes in a particular area is not a cop out, it’s taking responsibility for and part of fixing, your own problem. (A professional fixer is different from a doormat.)
I am a professional fixer (Life Coach) so I needed to become very clear on whether I was in my professional (paid) capacity or whether I was being a doormat for family and friends. It’s a fine distinction but needed to be made. After a few years of gradual and gentle disentanglement, I find that the people in my life who are not my clients, are becoming more assertive in handling their own lives.
Let me just clarify here that I also encourage my clients to become empowered to solve their own problems. However, as they are paying me for my help, it is totally appropriate for me to be involved and guide them to find their own solutions.
Everyone has the answers to all their problems, right inside themselves.
Sometimes it just needs to be brought to the fore.